Had a bit of an unexpected phase of really missing my park today! Not even missing the social side of it – NO OFFENCE PEOPLE! I think I just actually miss grass and sky and space that I am frolicking around, instead of limping slowly between the ward desk, the toilet, the shower room and my bed… For nearly two weeks now. I mean, fair enough I can’t walk particularly wonderfully for nearing two years soon – and it wasn’t like I could walk at all or drive for the month or so before I was admitted! – but I at least saw the inside of the office once or twice, or the GP surgery 100m down the road… Or my friend’s sofa 100m down the road… Or… Nope thats about it haha 😃
I realised how bad the physical restrictions were in here/imposed by stupid Death Toe, when someone suggested a change of scenery to me today. I spent a LOT of the morning bawling my eyes out again – frustration due to the lack of doctors available at the weekend, pain, concern as I can’t check Death Toe for at least 24 hours so he remains all cosy and toasty in his festering little full body wrap… The well-meaning suggestion the nurse gave me, whilst I was epically stressing about how cold the iv antibiotics were (rare disease priorities people!), was that I have a wander down to the lifts 😄 Now… That is about 20m further and one corner out of sight from the point I usually limp to and turn around. Geuninely, my first thought was not ‘Don’t be ridiculous, the lifts aren’t scenic!’ [which it really should have been, as it is an altogether ugly stretch of corridor and hallway!] but ‘Ha! Fat chance, I’d never make it!’.
I compromised in terms of pulling my shit together by having a scalding hot shower and making myself eat a yorkie. I did enjoy the memory of what it used to mean to me, but all food has utterly lost its taste. This will be a magnificent combo of stress, pain and drugs affecting my tastebuds… Not to mention the fact that hospital food isn’t exactly… Wonderful 😕 Friday 14th October (by which point I had already been locked in about four days) to this Friday I have lost 3lb – which is obviously very much manageable and in no way about to endanger my health haha – there is plenty to work with 😉 – but that is with absolutely minimal physical activity! A shower is enough to absolutely wipe me out! Hence the yorkie. I literally MADE myself eat the whole thing, when previously I would have been avoiding making eye contact with one in the shop and then eating it with such passion it would make you blush to hear the noises 😀
A bit of the park missing might also be (and I think this is definitely verging on reading too much into it now…) missing privacy. Which to those who know me and my park will sound daft, as everyone associates me and the park with demanding, attention seeking facebook posts, in which I strive to gather a possee for frisbee or hooping or dog walking etc. I actually spent many peaceful hours both this and last summer in the park by myself just chilling with a book! I was quite often happily the only person in the park, or first person to arrive/last to leave. In here, you don’t get a single second in here to yourself! I am sharing a bay with curtained off ‘rooms’ with four other women, all considerably older and more ill than me… Think lack of shame and/or noises at night time 😉 I have my blood pressure, temp and pulse taken every four hours – EVERY four hours. I currently have to pee in a cardboard bowl once a day and then hand it to someone to dipstick to check if my kidneys have fried yet [this is actually at my own insistence, as I am more than a little paranoid about my kidneys!] – and the moment you realise THAT doesn’t make you feel squirmy anymore is both amusing and heart-curdling.
Maybe it can simply be attributed to stereotypical cabin fever, but I went and sat earlier just looking at the flowers Em got me – they were banished to the Day Room (land of small sofas and hide and seek with Francis the giraffe) as they presumably harbour the plague or a rat infestation. Wouldn’t put it past Em to be honest… But aye, they look colourful and alive! One more full day to remain sane before I hopefully can get some Addenbrookes progress/answers 🙂
M is singing ‘Oh we do like to be beside the seaside’ 😀 At 11.30pm when everyone apart from her, myself and the staff are asleep! What a woman. Also heard her having a passionate slagging match before with one of the nurses, essentially calling her a slag (but phrased in slightly more convoluted, nasty wording 😮), because M decided she had admitted that she liked having sex all of the time [bearing in mind this is a good example of a spontaneous and enirely fabricated scenario of the type M comes out with a lot] – to which the nurse was happily arguing back her lack of a problem with that! It was very, very funny 😂 – especially as every now and then you see a twinkle or a smile that makes you wonder how much of these arguments M has and uses her dementia (or similar – not a doctor!) as an excuse, to see how outrageous she can be! I obviously am NOT implying it isn’t very real or serious, but getting to know her relatively well (she was in here during my last two admissions as well), I wouldn’t put it past her to play the game at least on occasion… 😉 At the very least, she absolutely adores a dramatic argument and has told me many times how invaluable her role on the ward of people watching is, in making sure someone is keeping an eye on the staff 😅 (all utterly incompetent in her eyes).