As planned, I was up nice and early this morning and went on a jaunt with Mum after a fairly lazy morning of drugs, food and one and a half cups of tea… Particular missions included some new bras, tackled by doing a broad sweep of pretty much every single one in my size that is halfway pretty, to take home and try on at home/be returned if required. The pile is stupendous 😀 Got some skirty/dressy tings as well! I had a lovely day – a bit of a rarity getting near actual shops! – and then compounded the damage by completing every bit of online sale shopping I had been half planning over the last few weeks… Oops… Death Toe made me do it, honest!!!
Featured image is by someone who was a school bus mate of mine growing up – lived very close by; he is back home for Christmas by the looks of his posts!! – taken in the Ochils – the range of hills spreading behind my folks’s house. The below was taken at Loch Leven – again pretty bloody close to their house 😀
So pretty!! He consistently takes amazing pictures, puts them together into calendars sometimes and so many of them are from places in Scotland I am familiar with; it makes me very happy following the page and seeing his posts 🙂 Sunrise Scotland – beautiful pics!
Back to the shopping expedition today… A few of us were sharing this round the other week and I saved the link and kept going back for a re-read: “I won’t apologise for having fun…” Several posts that were made today in the Vasculitis UK support group have started up similar conversations, along the lines of people having – and voicing – opinions on ‘how well’ you are, or whether or not ‘you should be working/or not’ or making judgements based on snapshots they see of you on ‘good days’…
It was making me think that anyone seeing me today would have struggled to tell how much pain I was in at some points or how tired I was getting. I had a spontaneous nap in the car on both the way there and back… I was sore as hell trying things on – with a LOT of assistance from Mum being my general discards and hanger servant 😛 – but I was absolutely sodding determined to go that final floor in Debenhams just in case they had something exciting as it is INCREDIBLY unusual now for me to get anywhere near an actual shop, where I can try things on. As many of my friends commented when I was out of hospital, I am a silly stubborn bastard when it comes to pacing myself and asking someone else to help me. A huge amount of it is having lived by myself for two years and having no choice. Another huge part is that you get used to a certain level of background pain being there all of the time. I am not suggesting for second it can be ignored all of the time, but I’ve found particularly if I have a specific mission or I started off not too tired, or am not having a ‘bad day’ sometimes I can push on for further than other days and hide it to a much greater extent.
Choosing to walk around that last floor – once I had already decided I was sore, was used almost more as a chance to stretch out, as I had started to stiffen up and I was trying to delay it until I was on the sofa at home Sometimes – for me anyway – if I am already sore and aching in my joints, it is actually less punishing to keep moving around a little bit rather than stop, at least until I am somewhere warm and comfy. Cold particularly is an absolute git once I am sore. I can walk differently and calculate how I am compensating on the stick and balance how much I am favouring Death Toe compared to my joints. Yes, I overdid it today and my back and shoulders hurt from trying on a few dresses and my knees are NOT happy with me – and once again the fact I can feel all of this on the painkillers I am on is a little bit alarming!! But it was a calculated and knowing overdoing; we had the tasks broken into chunks and I had quite a few stages I could have stopped at if I had needed to. I had FUN, I did something I very rarely do now and I would have been mopey as hell if I had stayed at home!
I brought it up with Mum at one point, the fact that I get asked A LOT “what have I been doing to [myself]?!” when people see me with a stick/fluffy sock and sandal. Sometimes I can deal with it, other times it really irks me – it has so far always been well intentioned – e.g. the Tesco delivery man was horrified when I explained that the reason I was sitting on the bottom step leaning on the wall whilst Inside Friend came and let him in, was NOT a hangover!! I then felt bad for making him feel bad by not letting his assumption stand… But curious questions at that point are welcomed by me and I would imagine by most in my situation. Sometime sadly people respond with judgement or ill-informed opinions or just plain ignorance, hurtful assumptions and comments. I had one amusing moment today where a woman in a lift asked something along the lines of “what have you done to yourself?” and I replied with the standard “its actually a long term chronic problem…” and because I was feeling a little bit reckless, I threw in a “my toe is actually falling off, it is a really really dead toe! [or similar…]” I am not normally AS blunt, but I guess knowing I will never see her again and that I am quite far away from my normal stomping ground made me use it as a test situation. Genuinely not the drugs – I was about due some more at that point and feeling every minute of it!! 😀 But yep. She responded wonderfully 😀 Something along the lines of “o you poor thing! – you remind me of my granddaughter, she is a top model!” – I can’t remember the exact phrasing, but it had me in absolute fits, particularly as a) I do not normally fall into the category of ladies who receive that type of compliment, b) I was knackered, sweaty and disgusting from trying clothes on and overdoing it by that point and c) Mum came out with an absolute belter once we were out of earshot – worthy of HER MOTHER – yes Mum, I said it! – and said “She looked like she was high on something” – THANKS MUM!!! I get likened to a top model and the person looks like they are high 😀
Once at home I have had the rest of the night on a proper Harry Potter marathon! Watching the films on the magic recording box, as they are all being shown on tv at the moment – it has been so many years since I saw them and certainly the last few, I will definitely only have seen once, in the cinema, at the point of release. The Prisoner of Azkaban had a lot of peril and tense atmospheric music and I wasn’t dealing with it very well 😀 I am an absolute jessie!! Used the knitting as a distraction – Mitten Two is about half done now and I am flying through it compared to the pace I was achieving in hospital!
Having the pred so many hours earlier was supposed to make me sleepier earlier 😀 FAIL!
Anyway one of the things I very cleverly bought today was some yarn off the ‘loveknitting’ site as they were practically giving it away :O Would have been rude not to. Bought some super chunky multicoloured yarn with the specific intention of making this: Knitted bag – free pattern ooooo! Will be the first time I will make anything requiring the use of either circular needles OR double pointed needles – let alone both! – but I am aiming to make it slightly easier/more forgiving by just using the one colour, as the wool has enough change through it to compensate… I hope!
Dang it – not sleepy 😦 Might have to listen to HP audiobook and try and get ahead of the films… Not sure that is possible more, lot of words in those books! My nose is sodding cold!!! Has anyone ever had their nose go ischaemic and ulcer/get frostbitten purely from shitty circulation/vasculitis??? Toe falling off spontaneously is one thing… What if my nose does it?????